“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”
― E.E. Cummings
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
― Maya Angelou
I want to have more courage so that I step up for myself and my values and that I follow my intuition in whatever I deeply feel is right. I want to do what comes from the inside of me, from a person that I want to be but has not emerged yet.
Maya Angelou said it is important to trust love. I do not interpret this as trusting another person with love or not necessarily. It is about trusting your own love and let it guide you to become the person, who you really want to be. You grow up when you take responsibility for yourself and your wants when you follow your heart boldly and openly.
I have settled so far to believe in so many concepts, like the ones that told me I have to do everything to get a job and this should be my priority. I should develop myself to be perfect for my job, everything else I can do as a hobby but it is the best if I just work, support a family and prepare for my retirement years. When I will be old, I will just live my boring, burnout life, be waiting for my family to visit maybe a few times a year, if I am lucky. Then I die after a few years, hopefully soon after retirement so that I will not be a burden on the pension system for too long.
I started this predictable and conventional life from the time I was born. I was brought up in a proud little town close to the Austrian border in Hungary, in Sopron. “Study and prepare for your job, it does not matter what, just get a university degree.” These are the things that I have heard from my parents and I did not know any better, I just tried to run away from this. I interpreted these attempts to run away as my personal flaws, as unnecessary procrastination to avoid the unavoidable. So I got a degree, I went to Poland to run away again, I got a job there and started a corporate life. There I have become a zombie, almost literally. I tried to concentrate on something else while doing my job, for example going to parties, hanging out with exchange students etc. I simply skipped relaxing and slowly but surely I burned out, became depressed and as I was becoming more and more engaged in my corporation job, I felt more and more dead inside. Up until early 2016, this process continued, when I decided to finally quit my shitty company job.
I want courage to push me out of the state of being a zombie, a soulless, living-dead body. I want courage to overcome procrastination and the habits I have but hate having (hours spent with masturbation, scrolling through 9gag, excessive smoking and drinking, spending too much time on the toilet etc.) I want to have the courage to become a better man according to the values that come from my heart and I want courage to stand up for these values and meet the tests and conflicts that challenge these values and everything, who I am.
Why do I feel I need more courage? Because I am not doing, what I really want to do and I often feel that I am less than others, that I deserve the worst from life and that I avoid and get offended facing the tests life gives me. I think about myself as a monster, an inside and outside ugly freak of nature that deserves nothing but the worst and I have to hide this from the people. This is my default setting and I want courage to change this, to probe into the world in my search of myself.
The past few years I have developed a lot in courage but in key moments I still tend to hide my intentions and procrastinate out of fear. This happens when I need to make a decision or many times just to get out of bed. When I am on my own, I am just a shy and cowardly person, who prefers to hide in his shell than to go out and face the world. For that I want the courage to ignore my self-limiting beliefs and focus on my intuition, the intuition that I suppressed for so long. With courage, I will open myself and go to places in my mind and in the world, where I never thought I will be because I am the one that knows the best what is good for myself. Based on this knowledge, I want to follow my intuition and live in the moment, doing everything that I really wish to do. I am ready to challenge my concepts with courage and build a better life for myself.