My 2018 and My 2019

Yes, I know, people usually write such posts in December or early January and I have procrastinated too much but anyway, here goes my evaluation of the past year and preparation for the next year.

I am reading my post from last year and I am smiling to read how much I looked forward to 2018. Time told me that I looked forward to it for a good reason. For me, everything happened so naturally in 2018 but when I try to look at it in a helicopter mode, then I see that it was absolutely fucking nuts. I pretty much ran head first towards every wall that I have encountered and I have discovered that many of them were made of paper but them a few of them were ferroconcrete. These latter discoveries hurt as fuck but I have survived. Maybe this is a cliché but these experiences made me stronger and now I feel I have something solid to build on.

Last year I wrote that I have dreamed world for myself and I am standing in front of the gates (as the Hungarian band, Edda, sang about it). I stepped in, everything was new, everything was scary but exciting at the same time. In 2018, I managed to set my foot in this new world and in 2019 I finally want to start settling down, not necessarily geographically, but with who I am and what I want to do. After two years of discovery, I am clearer with both of this. After 7 years, I still have an evergrowing feeling that Kraków is not the right place for me. There is a big struggle in me because on the other hand I always say that one can be happy wherever he is because wherever you go there you are. If I am blind to my shortcomings, I will be blind everywhere I go. So I don’t know, maybe it would be a mistake to leave Kraków but on the other hand after all these years I can’t seem to be able to contact with Kraków. So how hard should I try? And yep, Berlin is still calling. At this point, I am wondering whether I will ever have the balls to finally pack up and move there.

Anyway, here is what I have done in 2018 and what I plan in 2019.

I want to do a video series about what I have done in 2018 because I feel I could write a book about all the things that I learned last year. In a nutshell, I continued with Toastmasters and public speaking, I even started my own business, GaborSpeaks.com. I had a heartbreaking disappointment in Toastmasters that taught me an important lesson to just mind my own business. I have also become Advanced Communicator Bronze, I won the humorous speech contest on the area level and came third on the division level. I continued with breathing techniques and practice, pranayama is awesome! Meditation is great too! And dancing! I narrowed my dancing down to tango and bachata because I felt so connected to the sensual sadness of tango and the open sexuality of bachata. I organised the Sylwester party for the 7. time, cut down on substances even more. Apropo breathing, I discovered holotropic breathing, which gave me insight into different worlds through different states of consciousness. I tapped into acting through improvisation and I got basic training in the Meissner technique. I had two shows with my improv group and plenty of workshops. I made huge progress with opening myself up emotionally. Looking back, I performed a Gestalt therapy on myself. I continued with singing too and now I can hit the right note with much more confidence. Progress, yaaay! 😀 I also started being thankful for what I have and to myself for the good that I do to me. I wanted to reorientate myself from the self-suppressing, negatively objective thoughts to my positively objective thoughts, consciously noticing the little progress I make every day. Every night, I pray, being thankful for the opportunities I have and to embrace people in my currently super tiny field of love. I started with myself and my family. I discovered the concept of adult children of alcoholics, I went to two meetings, I feel I need more. With women I had several encounters, I feel like there is a lesson I don’t want to learn but I can’t really put my finger on what this lesson should be. Maybe to let sby close? Or it is okay to accept love? Or to get rid of my arrogance and get my shit together? Maybe all of them, not sure. Maybe one day I will not be a lone wolf (puppy?).

My values guided every step I took: benevolence, responsibility, courage, joy and openness. Sometimes I ran away from them but so far I have always returned and made progress. It is fucking hard though and I am always on an emotional rollercoaster because the more I show myself and the more stand up for what I believe in, the more conflicts I get into and I am such a pussy for conflicts, it is outraging! Anyway, I guess I am learning and I will continue my quest for self-respect and self-love.

I have heard about this concept that is called the “comfort zone”. Can somebody tell me, how it looks like? 😀

2019 will also be out of the comfort zone but hopefully, it will leave me as a more complete person with more perseverance and willpower to move on. I want to live and rest as fully and as actively as I can. This is hard, because so far I was calibrated to avoid life, which made sense when I thought that life is shit and it cannot be any other way. But now, I am convinced that life is indeed awesome, including the pain and suffering we have to experience. And I want to experience it fully and I will learn, how! I am growing as a person, as a soul and as energy. Saying all this, I have four main goals for 2019:

1. To continue with my business and public appearances. I have a little attention whore in me and I am fine with her, I will continue to show myself and take the courage for it. I also need to earn more, because it is my responsibility to sustain myself and to create the base for my life opportunities and joy.
2. I will continue with discovering the opposite sex, i.e. femininity, i.e. women in me and outside of me. This will require a lot of courage and openness.
3. I want to go deeper in spirituality, as this field is the one where I feel my calling the most, to find meaning for myself and others. Keyword: benevolence.
4. I am responsible for these goals above, so I need to create space for them. This is why I want to cut the habits that I do not like even more. Alcohol, cigarettes, porn, sleepless nights, disorientation, bye-bye. Benevolence works long-term and instant gratification kills it. Let’s get rid of the excuses and focus on what I love doing!

Compared to last year, I am disillusioned and hurt, even if objectively I did not get big blows. Well, I am weak, small blows shake me too. Nevertheless, I have piled up the determination to move on, being able to take bigger and bigger blows and move on towards my destiny. Because I see I can and I will. Let the heart be the guide and the brain the follower!

Happy belated 2019 to everyone!